Monday, April 1, 2013

Slingmoore is No More

We at Slingmoore have grown tired of slinging.  Tired of light-weight sling projectiles made of rubber or fruit.  We don't want to hit trees, rocks, and the broad sides of barns.  We want to sink pirate ships and wade through over-night bombardments of enemy positions.  And so, without further ado, today we are introducing a minor change in the focus of Slingmoore.  Turning away from the two-ounce sling, with it's sub two-ounce, super-simple construction...we now turn towards designing and producing the throwing tool that truly changed the world many times over.  Introducing....(drumroll)

Cannon Moore
dedicated to the most simple, ancient 
and powerful throwing tool known to man
...under two tons.  

Keep a few in your trunk
Leave your sling at home... Pull this baby
out at your next family reunion.
Have trouble hitting squirrels?...
Next time take out the whole tree.
Problems breaching that wall?
Not anymoore
They never hit the same thing twice
Because the second time around
The thing isn't there anymore
No longer will we be talking of baseballs and lemons, but rather twenty pound balls of pig-iron.  We won't be making suggestions on how to coil your sling so you can tuck it into your pocket, but rather how you can mount your cannon to the bed of your Chevy.  Instead of demonstrating simple loading techniques, we'll tell you how to assemble your five-man crew.  Given our new focus, we have also moved to a more appropriate location.  We are currently storing our cannons on The Battery in beautiful Charleston South Carolina.   Looking over the harbor onto Fort Sumter, a place where cannon fire, whether for good or ill (we will not comment here due to the sensitivity of the Charleston natives), played a significant role in American History.  Our new Spring 2013 Cannons boast of multiple ranges and take many different sizes of projectiles.  Some units are more mobile than others but none will fail to impress with their solid metal construction and explosive power. But whether you are planning to overtake a well-defended fortress, or lob explosives rounds over a castle wall, Cannon Moore has the cannon for you.  More detailed instructions to follow.  Remember firing cannons is inherently dangerous, so please be careful.  The good news is, prices are not going up.  All our cannons are still available at the reasonable price of $19.95 plus a $30,000 shipping and handling fee.  Just email your orders to sales@cannonmoore.com.  Happy bombardment, and Happy April Fools Day.

3 comments:

  1. Nicely done. Did I tell you Rogue Valley Reuben is going vegan?

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  2. 'bout time you got some oomph behind your projectiles. Did I tell you Rogue Valley Reuben is going vegan?

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  3. What would remain in a vegan reuben...think you would receive only a basket

    ReplyDelete